When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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