the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize
