tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My dad is sitting where you rode me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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