:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
