To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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