Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
