Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
