I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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