Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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