True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
