ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
What a dumb baby whore.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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