I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
