Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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