I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
