you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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