1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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