Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
