she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
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It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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