Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
