I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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