Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
