the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
