I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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