I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
