It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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