There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
