Well douche your snatch and let's go!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
