why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize