Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
