At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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