I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
