Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
