Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
