I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
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Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
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Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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