How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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