Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
