The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
