How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
