does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
