Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
