my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
