I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
