Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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