found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize