fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
