he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
