Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
