I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
