i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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