Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
