I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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