there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
