Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
