Girls should come with a carfax report
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
