In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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