I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
