Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
