yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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