yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
dude. I can hear the air.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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