You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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