What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize