Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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