So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I can feel your judgement through the phone
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
