Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
