That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
