He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
