I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
